Currently Anthony Bourdain - No Reservations Collection 2 By Anthony Bourdain see related

1. You can't remember the URL for Xanga
• Sadly I kept typing Zanga instead of Xanga.
  
2. It takes you 15 mins to figure out how to even start a post.
• Stupid new options. Kept missing where the add new web post was...
  
3. You realize that it's been a year plus since you've made an entry.
• What?  I've been busy.  Damn Bush fucking up the economy.
  
4. You can't think of anything to write.
• This is more than a bit embarrassing for me.  I think I need the writer's version of Viagra.

Currently Watching The Last Kiss (Widescreen Edition) By Zach Braff, Jacinda Barrett, Casey Affleck, Rachel Bilson, Michael Weston, Eric Christian Olsen, Marley Shelton, Lauren Lee Smith, Harold Ramis, Blythe Danner, Tom Wilkinson, David Jones (XIV), Cindy Sampson, Lisa MacKay (II), Patricia Stasiak, Mark Walker, Erika Rosenbaum, Alexis Legault, Olivier Legault, Simon Alain see related

So Much on My Mind....

It's a beautiful sunny day in Boston and I'm at work.  Sad huh?  I guess that's how you could sum up my life lately.  Sad...

I haven't written in a while, almost a year to be perfectly honest, and there has been so much that has happened while at the same time I have gone no where.  You could even say that I have regressed.

The short version is that I started working like crazy to get ahead in life and work my way out of the transgressions I have made in my life  To put it simply, I have been making up for what once went wrong.  (College)

To that end, you could say that I have been quite successful.  After drinking my way out of college, I have gone through an assortment of odd jobs to try to get my life back on track.  Now I am an mutual fund account manager at a big, multinational investment bank and it only took me tree years to do it.  Not bad all things considered.  But the problem is that I'm not happy.  I am miserable to say the least.

I worked hard to get where I am now, but all throughout I have been working in triage situations.  I've been going from work group to work group where things are a mess and through sheer bad luck I end up being asked to fix it.  Not that I mind that.  Some might say I'm rather good at it, but it is beginning to take it's toll on me.  I think I am working toward my 2nd ulcer before 30.

I am now in charge of the custody and accounting of 19 ETF mutual funds with a net worth of 89 billion dollars. No pressure, considering I was a psych major in college and have never done ETF mutual funds before.  Scary huh?

I was promoted in November to this position and since then I have had to learn how to do ETF's (No small feat.), manage for the first time a team that was slapped together (They are good people but not necessarily the best workers.), assist in the launch of a number of international ETF's, and work on the research and development of 9 fixed income ETF's (Which no one in my group has never tried to do before so I have limited help and are due to launch in mid May.).  Needless to say, that is a tall order and that I am not doing remotely close to the job I want to on these things.  I am basically just struggling to keep my head close to the surface.  I am definitely not keeping my head above water.  What's even worse is that the group I left is now running smoothly and getting out early everyday.  I'm not going to say that it was all because of me but when a group looses 11 people in a span of a year and a half, doesn't fail, and you were only one of 3 people who stuck it out, I think that I can say that I played a part in that groups survival and getting it to where it is now.

I am now working in the ball park of 50 to 60 hours a week (Not including Saturdays.) on top of a 3 hour daily commute.  I have no life...  All I do is eat, work, poop, and sleep. (Not necessarily in that order.)  Come to think of it, sleep now, is becoming only a fond memory.  I really don't know how much longer I can do this.  Worrying about doing a good job.  Pretending to be happy.  Not fucking up big.  Sigh...  The best part is I am underpaid.  I could get at least 10 grand more working somewhere else.  Why do I stay?  I don't know.  Maybe I'm stupid.  All I know is that I don't like not finishing what I start and have a stupid sense of loyalty.  I feel a debt to those who have given me a chance.

Because I am working all the time now I have basically lost or lost touch with almost all my friends.  Some are upset at me because I am never around.  Others think that I have given them up.  As for the rest, I don't know.  Maybe they have forgotten about me or hate me.  I just don't know and I am too tired and busy to try and find out.

I don't take care of myself anymore.  Not that I ever really did before, but it's worse now.  I don't sleep much anymore.  Hardly eat.  My place is a mess.  I am catching up on bills but I never get them out on time.  I still have to get rid of my old nonworking car and get a new one.  I don't shave anymore.  Do my taxes...  Argh!!!!  It's crazy making.

The worst parts of it all are that I am lonely and just not happy.  I haven't had a date in God knows how long and I have become the living embodiment of the 40 year old virgin.  (Needless to say that I can't even remember what sex is like.)  I'm tired, stressed out all the time, and am starting to become a reclusive hermit who has to fight the urge to stare at women and their naughty bits all the time.  People are saying I need to get laid and I am starting to think they are right.  Sadly, because of all the time I spend working and it's after effects, I have lost my ability to my talk to people.  I am almost monosyllabic.  I don't know how to be funny, witty, insightful, and charming anymore.  All I am is sad, tired, stressed and spacey.  If I had the time to hit on women and date my first line would probably come out something like this: "Unga, you pretty.  Me horny.  You wanna go boom-boom?"

To top it all off, my performance at work is so bad that I getting my ass handed to me on a weekly basis (They aren't that harsh, but I am that harsh on myself when they tell me that I am not performing.) and when people ask me things, I am so tired I can't think and answer them, making me feel stupid and in turn killing my confidence.  Not that I ever had that much confidence but it is at minuscule levels now...

So I just don't know what to do.  There is still much to say but I'm tired, should go back to work, and this bitch session has gone on long enough already.  All I know is I need to figure out where to go from here before I go insane.  I need to figure out what I want to do (because I know I don't like mutual funds), find a life, and find someone.  Oh and hopefully get some before Captain Happy revolts.  Is it true that if you don't use it you lose it?

T-Stop

Sad, Lonely, and Searching...

You Are 77% Tortured Genius

You are smart. Brilliant in fact. And while it's a blessing, it's also a curse. Your head is filled with everything - grand ideas, insufferable worries, and a good deal of angst.

Currently Gaming Burnout Revenge By Electronic Arts see related

I must be the world's biggest idiot...

I stupidly saw my ex after 5 years.    I don't know what I was expecting but the short version goes something like this: 

Went to dinner with her and a friend Monday.  Realized that I still had a bit of a torch burning for her and that part of me wasn't fully over her. 

Went to dinner with just her last night.  Remembered why I cut her out of my life in the first place.  Relived the fighting, tension, manipulation, and the special kinda crazy that she is. 

All in all it was a weird, bittersweet 2 days.  It feels good because I think I've finally let go and am starting to move on.    It hurts though, because apparently the memories I had, she didn't.    She either forgot, remembered them differently, or straight out denied them.    In the end though, it's all irrelevant.    It was a million years ago, and I'm not going to let her make me feel bad about myself and my memories are my memories.  I'm gonna remember them the way I want to. 

Anyway this song has been running through my head since Friday when I knew I was going to she her again.  It both fits and doesn't fit my disposition.   

Aerosmith

What it Takes

There goes my old girlfriend, there's another diamond ring
And, uh, all those late night promises I guess they don't mean a thing
So baby, what's the story? Did you find another man?
Is it easy to sleep in the bed that we made?
When you don't look back I guess the feelings start to fade away.
I used to feel your fire
But now it's cold inside
And you're back on the street like you didn't miss a beat, yeah

Chorus:
Tell me what it takes to let you go
Tell me how the pain's supposed to go
Tell me how it is that you can sleep in the night
Without thinking you lost everything that was good in your life to the toss of the dice?
Tell me what it takes to let you go.

Yeah
Girl, before I met you I was F.I.N.E. Fine
but your love made me a prisoner, yeah my heart's been doing time
You spent me up like money, then you hung me out to dry
It was easy to keep all your lies in disguise
Cause you had me in deep with the devil in your eyes

Chorus
Guitar!

Tell me that you're happy that you're on your own Yeah, yeah, yeah
Tell me that it's better when you're all alone
Tell me that your body doesn't miss my touch
Tell me that my lovin' didn't mean that much
Tell me you ain't dyin' when you're cryin' for me

Chorus

Tell me what it takes to let you go
Tell me how the pain's supposed to go
Tell me how it is that you can sleep in the night
Without thinking you lost everything that was good in your life to the toss of the dice?
Tell me who's to blame for thinkin' twice
No no no no 'cause I don't wanna burn in paradise
Ooo Let go, let go, let go,
let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go,
let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go
I don't wanna burn, I don't wanna burn

Anyway, back to work.  Perhaps when I have more time I will elaborate more on all of this.

T-Stop. 

Fed up and waking up from the evils of women...

Currently Reading Catch Me If You Can: The True Story of a Real Fake By Stan Redding, Frank W. Abagnale see related

Dating & Old Age

So my topic for today revolves around something one of my friends said to me the other day regarding a woman he had just met.  What he said went something like this:  "Wow, she's nice, 28, and still single.  I can't help but think, 'What's wrong with her? Why is she still single?'"  So my question is: Is there a stigma out there regarding being older and single???  Do people automatically assume that if you are single after a certain age that you are damaged goods?  Even if a person seems really normal and nice, does being single and above a certain age automatically mean that there is some huge flaw in that person or a special kind of crazy hidden away deep inside that person that will only come out if you spend more time with them???  And where does this this stigma come from and how does this apply to me being that I'm getting older and have been single for quite awhile? (Both by choice and not.)

Is it the whole idea that after a certain age all the good ones are taken?  Is it the whole, it's too good to be true aspect of finding an older person who maybe compatible or perfect for you?  Or is it that the world is a scary place filled with freaky, freaky people who are waiting to take advantage, hurt (Both emotionally and / or physically.), or cling to you like that sucky alien thing from Aliens that jumped on your face and planted it's eggs in your stomach? 

Has society degraded that much that the world is filled with crazies?  I have to admit its hard not to think that which all the craziness that out there in the news.  Pedophile priests, NAMBLA, abandoned infants, parents killing their children, children killing their parents, high school massacre plots, etc...  Is the world getting worse or has the world always been this bad?  Since now we can hear and see everything across the world faster and without filters, are we now more aware of the evils in the world? Does it scare us to death?  Or has these things made us both more cynical and jaded?  Have we seen enough of these things that we have forever changed our perception of things so that we automatically assume that there is no more good out there in the world???  That good nice people are mythical creatures now like the Unicorn or extinct like the Dodo?  Man, I hope not.

I personally don't like to think this way for 2 reasons.  One, because I like to hope that there are still good things and good people out there.  Mind you to some I am the cynic's cynic, but I like entertaining the idea that the world is not as bleak and dark as I believe it is.  That cinderalla stories still do exist and that there is always the chance of one finding that special someone for them, regardless of their age or circumstance.

The second reason being that, I am one of those people who always gets pigeonholed into all kinds of stereotypes that I don't believe fit me.  For example, being an Asian male, most people (women specifically) automatically assume that I am any one of the following: Uber Nerd / Geek.  Momma's Boy.  Punk.  Player.  Chauvinist.  Have a tiny tallywhacker...  And for the most part these things aren't true.  I'm not an Uber nerd.  Unfortunately for me, since I'm closing in on 30 like a rock falling to earth, I tend to fall into the whole "Why is he still single? / Is there something wrong with him?" stereotype.  All in all, I'd like to think that I'm a nice guy who's not  too crazy or too weird, has a tendency to go after the wrong woman, and is only slightly damaged because of that tendency.  I maybe a little cracked / weird, but I don't think that I'm any crazier than anyone else.  I do have a predilection for toilet and black humor, but that not that weird right???  So if I feel that I am an exception to this stereotype, I like to believe that there are others out there who are exceptions too.

Wow, that got rather involved, heavy handed, philosophical, and judgemental about the current state of society didn't it?  What you people think?  Am I right?  Nuts?  Blowing it out of my ass?  Let me know.

T-Stop

Out.  Looking for love in all the wrong places.

Currently Watching The Promise By Cecilia Cheung see related

So Very Tired...

So I'm gonna try and start posting again on a regular basis.  Mainly because I miss posting and I feel that it is good for my soul to purge all the pent up emotions and bile that have been building up inside me lately.  We'll see what happens.  Hopefully I can keep it up.  (Hey, not that way.  I don't need Viagra!!!  At least not yet anyway.)

I am so very tired today.  I actually started falling asleep at work for the first time in at least 2 years.  So if I don't make sense, I'm sorry.  I'm tired.

So this weekend I went down to NYC for my younger brother antyu's birthday bash at his old age home's rec center (Aka: Onyx Lounge).  It was good seeing him again.  Unfortunately since I live in Boston and he live in Brooklyn and since we both live busy lives, I don't get to see or talk to him as much as I would like.  We actually get along very well, all things considered.  At least we have ever since I left for college all those years ago.  Before that we shared a shoe box of a room and our main concern was trying not to drive each other nuts and kill each other.  Anyway, it was a fun night.  Though I have never seen him that drunk.  Ever.  I found it both amusing and disconcerting at the same time.  It was funny because, well, my brother is a very funny person to begin with and apparently, when you get some liquor in him, he some how gets exponentially funnier.  Disconcerting though because, well, he is my younger brother, and though I don't get the chance to do the older brother thing that often, I felt like I had to make sure he was all right, which is a hard urge to fight.  I think I succeeded though.  Though I may have been more lax than I should have been.  In the end though, it was good to see him that happy and having that much fun.  I'm glad I was there.  I love the fact that every so often he would get this confused / curious look on his face on his face and say "Where am I?" and then start laughing.  That was awesome.

Other curious occurrences this weekend were when I went to get my haircut in Flushing and of course get a gay hair dresser who wants to bed me  and then deciding to be a good wingman for one of my friends and coming really close to jumping on the grenade if you know what I mean.  (The girl was just plain busted!!!    From the look of her teeth I could have sworn she was related to Mr. Ed.  )  Why me???

The hair dresser was interesting.  Mainly because I had no idea that he was hitting on me.  I get to NYC Sat, and I realize that I should probably get haircut for 2 reasons.  One, I my hair was in desperate need of a cut.  I from a distance my head probably looked like the end of a dirty Q-Tip.    Yeah, it was that bad.  Secondly, I figured that I should look presentable since I was going to my brother's B-day party.  Didn't want to embarrass him too much why showing up looking like a reject from the Jackson 5.  The whole Asian Tito look is never good.   Anyway, my friend and I just pick a place at random in Flushing, to get our haircut, which now looking back on it probably wasn't the best idea.  Especially since I've heard that in Flushing, some places you can get a special "Cut and Blow"   if you know what I mean.  Anyway, all I wanted to do was just sit there quietly, shut my eyes for a while, and get my haircut.  That's it.  But for some weird reason everyone who worked in the shop just automatically assumed I spoke Chinese (I guess my hair was looking so bad that I had to be a FOB. ) and felt the urge to talk to me.  And though my Mandarin is good, I'm an ABC, it ain't that good.  So the whole time, the workers in the shop, especially the blond, pony-tailed asian guy who cutting my hair, are trying to talk to me and making me think much more than I wanted to during a haircut. (Hey, I'm a traditional guy.  I believe that a haircut should go like this: I sit down.  The hairdresser / barber cuts my hair.  I pay and leave.  That's it.  No gossip and chatting.  At most I'm willing to have a brief conversation about the weather. ) I basically suffer through at least 20 minutes of the most inane Chinese banter in my life and up and leave.  I get outside and my friend starts laughing at me.   I look at him and we proceed to have a conversation that goes like this:

Me:  What's so funny? 

Friend:  You know the guy cutting your hair was gay right. 

M:  Yeah.  So was yours. 

F:  Yeah, but your guy was hitting on you. 

M:  Really??? 

F:  Yeah.  He was talking to the other hairdressers in Cantonese about you.  He LIKED you. 

M:  Really???  Come to think about it, he did keep going on and on about sleeping and going to bed.  He actually said he was going to bed after he was done with cutting my hair. 

F:  Maybe that was an invitation... 

M:  

(For those of you who don't know, I only speak mandarin chinese.  Cantonese is some what of a mystery for me.)

Why is it that gay men love me???  And how come their Gaydar always registers me a one really big gay blip???  Not that there is anything wrong with being gay. (Heck I had a gay roommate for 2 years.)  It just seems like I have better Gaydar than gay men.  How does that work out?  I think I need to get some piercing's or another tattoo or something.  Perhaps a tattoo of a piercing.  Yeah...  I'll get a tattoo of a nipple ring.  On my ass.  Now that's brilliant...

Okay think I'm gonna stop now cause I'm tired and starting to make less and less sense.  Tattoo of a nipple ring??? 

Anyway...

T-Stop.

Out looking for sleep and the rest of his mind.